for my little hank...

my beautiful friend hank, who has been part of my life for the past 10 years, was looking worse for wear lately. we began our friendship after i fell in love with him at the mayhew cats home in north london so many years ago. at the time, he was named "simba" and he stood out to me from all the other cats, (apart from an absolutely enormous pair of cats, in a size i have never seen a domestic cat, so large my friend claire who had come with me said, " jesus! i thought those things were extinct!)".

his green eyes were large and full of love. his coat was gorgeous and thick and shiny. i loved his little "goatee' spot on his chin. and he looked like he was smiling. he was friendly and let me hold him right away. claire said, " he is defintely a jakki cat!" although all the other cats were nice, he was the one. i named him hank and took him home and until last night, for all these years he was a wonderful friend to me.

i have a lot of good and happy memories, but the time i reflect on most was a pretty horrible period of my life where my faithful and caring friend, lay by my side, day after day, stretched out long along side me, looking after me, keeping me company, purring away.

having children took my attention away from him. i didn't have as much time for him as i once did. he was still the faithful friend. me? my guilt will never leave me.

so frail, i watched him walk around the house, trying to find a comfortable place to sleep, not eating much, drinking way too much, obviously not well. i hoped he would get better. the vet gave me some steroids and i was hopeful this would bring back the friend i knew. i tried so many different foods, treats, but still he lost weight. i so wanted him to get better. but yesterday, as i watched him, as much as i didn't want to, i could see his suffering. i went to the vet knowing what the outcome might be. as i guess with all of these things, we hope there will be a last minute reprieve, a sudden answer that will make everything better. she said we could try some things, he might respond to chemo, but, as we both could see, he was obviously dying. usually, he would try to jump off the table, but now, he just lay there, skin and bones, so tired.

the decision, to let my friend go, has left me so heartbroken. as i watched him go to sleep, a part of me went with him.

i wonder where he is now. he won't be back with me at home until next tuesday. as much as i try not to think about it, i want to imagine he is somewhere soft and safe until his ashes come home.
scott is going to make him a beautiful pot to keep his ashes. i will feel better when he comes back.
there is a large presence missing in the house. 
i miss you...
rest in peace hank... xox